( I belong to another site, for writing, stretching our creative fingers and brains. They have contests etc. I wrote #1 – a haiku that lost, and #2 – this below. The required prompt was PassWord Reset, taken in any kind of context. I went pretty much with an autobiographical tale . Also another looser. Sigh. Enjoy and comment . )

Please Reset Your Password for Security Reasons……. story of my life. No matter how old you get, or at my age ( shut-your-mouth!!) , we need to realize that resetting passwords for devices is no different that resetting ourselves for life. I literally have more than thirty accounts, from FB to bank accounts, You Tube to blogs and at some point you will run into a problem and have to reset a p.w. Such is life. I have been struggling with a lot of demons for about thirty years. PTSD from not only abusive people in my life but an injury that occurred during a job back then. Even some of what I had to do within the job caused the beginnings of PTSD.

I kick myself to this day for not staying with the friends and a relationship I was in back then, and came home to deal with a relative crossing into dementia — a person who I knew my whole life, just wasnt “right in the head”. My mother . We grew up with dad often saying, “She ain’t right in the head.” There was no term back in the day for bipolar, etc.

I ended up loosing myself in dealing with that situation with no other family in the area to lend a hand. Even at the point when she was finally declared incompetant and put into a nursing home, it took me too many years to finally realize I had time for myself and my dogs. I had show dogs. Even a few years later before I accepted the fact I could do what I wanted in the house, getting rid of old furnture, etc. Except for when I was living with my significant other back with the job, I moved in with him and he had a very nice job, same as me, but with all his family in the area most lived close to each other. He was able to buy a house across from his parents and I was able to help pick out furnishings we both liked . It was just different being in a loving relationship, even with the stress of both of our jobs. His clan close that we could easily visit for dinners and backyard relaxing. We were going to get married at some point.

When I got word about my mother and took some time off to come back and deal with her, I lost myself in past demons of growing up with someone whose mental state was totally off the rails. But I was the bad one. There is a book there somewhere!

She passed away just over three years ago after twelve years in the nursing home. Then I dealt with the nonstop guilt of not going to visit but once or twice a month. I also dealt with enormous guilt of not going back to the one I thought I would spend my life with.

I still deal with dark thoughts when stress happens. Always thinking at that time, I will not make it through the end of this year.

I AM a writer. Something I’ve been passionate about since childhood, but those degrading comments about “any idiot can write a book or movie” left a wound that reached to my soul.

I have never made New Years resolutions, but this year I finally threw down the gauntlet and made it known — I am resetting my entire password of life, my dreams and soul. Because the other option is not pretty. I let it be known just last week, GET OUT OF MY WAY ! I have an unfinished book that was started two years ago and people kept intentionally interrupting me. There’s a smaller Kindle book to start, and a blog to get back to and possible YT channel.

RESET YOUR PASSWORD on every level and take back control of your life, whether in technology or your dreams. I still fight daily.

8/12/19 …..yes once again,  not enough time in the day to get most of everything done………  I keep promising myself to write here every day,  and once again …….  I’ve had friends, personal and across the country who have said I should tell their stories sometimes …… so that’s what will happen from now on ….. either in their own words or as told to me from a wide variety of experiences in their lives……… always push forward!

I remember waayyyyyyy back in the “olden days !”,  I was about 10.  One of my classes — did we have an English class at that age ??   Whichever it was,  one assignment was to write a short story,  X amount of pages, etc.    So sitting in bed one night, for privacy in a room shared with my sister four years older,  I got comfy with my pillows behind me and one as my desk with my spiral notebook.  We had a week to get the project done.  So I sat there till I got sleepy and just scribbled different things I could write about.   I remember it took a few days before an idea hit me.   Well I loved horses, as I kinda knew them a bit ,  with a neighbor having a pinto and buckskin on their property.  So there would be a horse.   I made the main character a young boy, of course thinking everyone would think I was pretending it was me.  Oh,  how we would stress about the littlest things even in English class !   For some reason this main character,  a young boy, not me! ,  was living in the woods by himself and one night while sitting by a fire alone and cooking hotdogs on a stick,  he becomes frightened by some odd noises in woods in the dark.  Oooooo spooky!    The horse eventually comes out to meet him,  also alone, and becomes his friend.  I can’t remember all the details now, but the story just flowed from my head through my pen!    I discovered the  JOY of writing and creating!!!    I was so proud of that story and that it had an ending!

  I don’t know why,  but I asked my sister to read it to see if it was “ok” to turn in.  Well, he loved it and said it was great!    I was so excited and nervous and a few days later turned it in for grading.   Later in the week, the teacher walks up and down between the desks returning everyone’s papers.   I picked up mine and see the grade of a B+.  Well, what the hell is this??     I really expected an A- at least!!   Then I see several words through the pages circled in red pen and comments.  They were all about not using a proper “preposition” or some shit!  And in a few spots,  she felt I should’ve used semicolons ( ; ) instead of commas ( , ).  Well you bitch!!!    That comment on the front page of “Good story idea!” didn’t mean shit to me once I saw the circled words and comments.  A red pen can crush hopes and dreams.  I still remember that feeling forty-plus years later.   lol.   Yet that is what all creative people fear,  the “red pen” — whether written or spoken opinion of even one person to make you feel you’re not good enough ………      

When I used to always write a rough draft in notebooks,  when re-reading I would still make notes of what to add or drop or change in red so I wouldn’t forget.  Even now over the years, I usually now work more on the laptop, while it’s easier to go back while reading to add in something or remove.  But printing the pages out are usually easier — and then there comes that damn red pen again!     As writers and artists in different mediums, we do what we love.  For me, I want people to enjoy whatever I do, yet there is always that fear of a “red pen” correction, or rejection because it isn’t one person’s cup of tea.    And in reality, all artists of whatever their chosen field,  are creating because it makes their hearts sing and souls soar !  🙂   

Well quite possibly my favorite place.  My perm home base.  I’m lucky to have a few weeks here in one stretch before back on the road for business.  Or off to dog related activities.   I vowed to write everyday on this blog and between trying to plan and explain what I wanted where in the gardens, finalize plans to fly out early this morning,  AND laptop crashing yesterday ……. well sometimes life just happens, in more ways than one!    

Just goes to show, plans are not set in stone and you just have to go with the flow, like water over stones in a stream.  Letting your “stones” / problems build up just overflow in your life till you feel like you’re drowning.

Now waiting for flight to be called and heading north to Canada.  A country unlike no other!   🙂  

   I’ve always loved quilts my whole life.   In grade school I taught myself how to make cross-stitch and embroidery needlepoint patterns.  I never attempted a quilt until just after high school.  So I bought three different fabrics in white & navy blue print.  Proceeded to measure and cut into 3 x 3 inch squares and sewed together into a top about 3 x 4 feet.   This of course was having no clue what I was doing.  There wasn’t INTERNET back then!  *GASP* !!   So I made the same pattern for the back,  sewed 3 sides together, turned it inside out and then stuffed it lightly with batting ~~ the kind used for dolls, etc.  I didnt know there were rolls of sheets of thin batting made for quilting!  Cuz you need to be able to sew and pull the thread thru both pieces of fabric and thru the batting.  I patted it as smooth as I could and sewed up the end.  Then used a long thick needle to sew doubled thread, thru each corner where all the squares met.  Then it was called done.   I proudly gave it to my dogs to lay on.  And yes, with the bodies taking turns laying on all the time,  their weight flattened the polyester down a bit.  Now more than 30 years and at about 15 dogs later,,   I still have that quilt now in one of the dogs’ favorite lounging crates! 

It wasn’t for a few years before I started buying magazines etc to learn more.  I tried a few times, but I am what I call “ruler retarded”.   When making traditional quilts with patterns,  all pieces must be measured and cut just so !!   even an eighth of an inch off one piece can throw a pattern off a little.   So I used to just cut and sew by eye, and loved to sew beads and buttons on, etc.    Years later a craze came out called ART QUILTS.  Well, lookit this!   This is what I had been doing on my own!!!    With art quilts, you can make them very small or large enough to cover a big wall.   There are no rules ~~ you make it by personal preference with colors, beads, buttons, fancy threads, lace etc.  

The photo above, I named AMERICANA.   It was the first ever art quilt I did, during a period when I was in a bad marriage.  I would take my fabric, thread and doo-dads out back to sit in the shade with my dogs and work;  my getting away from shit and spending quiet time with my Goldens.  AMERICANA is about 7 x 10 inches.     Heart and star buttons adorn the sides and the red stripes are thousands of red seed beads hand sewn on three at a time.  (What I don’t like about one method I used was attempting to use my sewing machine to embroider the wording,  if done by hand I think I would’ve liked it better.  But any craft is live and learn! ) There are also those tiny beads within the heart shape. The back fabric is that tan trim fabric around the edges with red and blue stars.     I was very proud of that little wall quilt.   I’ve had people over the years offer to buy it,  but it meant more to me than $$$.  I just happened to pick that fabric in a store because it appealed to me as a theme.  After all these years, it stands for my many memories, good and bad,  of four years in an abusive marriage.

 Discovering my love for the comforting process of handwork in art quilts, has saved my soul at times.   This little flag that just happened to be born in a time of physical and emotional pain, became my symbol of  personal freedom.  May we all find our own “flags of hope or survival” in our journey………. 

written and shared by friend, LRW