PASSWORD RESET

( I belong to another site, for writing, stretching our creative fingers and brains. They have contests etc. I wrote #1 – a haiku that lost, and #2 – this below. The required prompt was PassWord Reset, taken in any kind of context. I went pretty much with an autobiographical tale . Also another looser. Sigh. Enjoy and comment . )

Please Reset Your Password for Security Reasons……. story of my life. No matter how old you get, or at my age ( shut-your-mouth!!) , we need to realize that resetting passwords for devices is no different that resetting ourselves for life. I literally have more than thirty accounts, from FB to bank accounts, You Tube to blogs and at some point you will run into a problem and have to reset a p.w. Such is life. I have been struggling with a lot of demons for about thirty years. PTSD from not only abusive people in my life but an injury that occurred during a job back then. Even some of what I had to do within the job caused the beginnings of PTSD.

I kick myself to this day for not staying with the friends and a relationship I was in back then, and came home to deal with a relative crossing into dementia — a person who I knew my whole life, just wasnt “right in the head”. My mother . We grew up with dad often saying, “She ain’t right in the head.” There was no term back in the day for bipolar, etc.

I ended up loosing myself in dealing with that situation with no other family in the area to lend a hand. Even at the point when she was finally declared incompetant and put into a nursing home, it took me too many years to finally realize I had time for myself and my dogs. I had show dogs. Even a few years later before I accepted the fact I could do what I wanted in the house, getting rid of old furnture, etc. Except for when I was living with my significant other back with the job, I moved in with him and he had a very nice job, same as me, but with all his family in the area most lived close to each other. He was able to buy a house across from his parents and I was able to help pick out furnishings we both liked . It was just different being in a loving relationship, even with the stress of both of our jobs. His clan close that we could easily visit for dinners and backyard relaxing. We were going to get married at some point.

When I got word about my mother and took some time off to come back and deal with her, I lost myself in past demons of growing up with someone whose mental state was totally off the rails. But I was the bad one. There is a book there somewhere!

She passed away just over three years ago after twelve years in the nursing home. Then I dealt with the nonstop guilt of not going to visit but once or twice a month. I also dealt with enormous guilt of not going back to the one I thought I would spend my life with.

I still deal with dark thoughts when stress happens. Always thinking at that time, I will not make it through the end of this year.

I AM a writer. Something I’ve been passionate about since childhood, but those degrading comments about “any idiot can write a book or movie” left a wound that reached to my soul.

I have never made New Years resolutions, but this year I finally threw down the gauntlet and made it known — I am resetting my entire password of life, my dreams and soul. Because the other option is not pretty. I let it be known just last week, GET OUT OF MY WAY ! I have an unfinished book that was started two years ago and people kept intentionally interrupting me. There’s a smaller Kindle book to start, and a blog to get back to and possible YT channel.

RESET YOUR PASSWORD on every level and take back control of your life, whether in technology or your dreams. I still fight daily.

Mass Confusion

or Welcome To My Life !

January 15, 2023 ( Feb. 9 !!) ~~ Let’s begin , again! My name is Alex . I am XX this many years old ! lol Guess it depends on how the body or head is feeling day to day. I come from a family of military . Most now done their time serving. My son and his father, ex-Marines. Both in gov’t services. His father, retired this past year but still works as consultant to keep busy. The hardest part of trying to write an intro, of my past, is how much to say ~~ ” what ” I can say. Many details are expected to be kept quiet. The nature of the job.

I will get into my background a little more later, but must say, that due to a long-standing N.D.A., I am always aware of what I say in relation to that job. The N.D.A. was originally for about 20 yrs . Then when word got around that I was “back to writing” , a polite ‘request’ was made to fly back and sign for a few more years. Seriously? Well, yes, seriously. When dealing with certain organizations, any former employees that worked in specific areas are a threat. And they ARE monitored pretty much for the rest of their lives.

A few years ago when I was getting back to writing a novel, my son who works in a gov’t alphabet group, had no trouble coming on to my laptop to video with me on a platform with an anonymous name I had. Could even see me on my open camera, which I used to always have covered but with the purchase of a new one just never got around to doing that. I certainly don’t want anyone to be peeking at me if I’m working or watching tv or got my finger up my nose with no make up on!

When I got back to blogging here, Jan. 15 , yeah I got about 2 paragraphs done, had to walk away ……. for over a week, then with all the distractions I have to deal with in my house…… it has suddenly become Feb. 9 . I have in the past month written a few things for a site with contests etc …… nope, didn’t make a penny or even get a honorable mention . LOL I will at times share those here . Plus just about a week ago, never mind having bad knees from jobs and accidents over the years, the meniscus in my left knee just decided to blow! But still I hobbled on one crutch to get things done and take care of my dogs. Healing is nowhere close yet, but without my dogs I would be laying in a puddle of drool on pain meds .

So while I had lost my train of thought and flow of ideas for THIS blog, yep even over the past two days, I am struggling to even get a short blog finished . ALL of this heartbreak of not being able to even sit and write iscaused by constant disruptions, 95% being by morons living in my house, feels like I’m drowning . I am a very creative person . I have been since grade school after that first writing assignment that just sparked a fire . I taught myself from grade school through to twenties how to do everything from crocheting, sewing, knitting, and even doll making. From soft cute stuffed dolls to what has become known as Art Dolls. They are everything from whimsicle to bizarre to scary beings that are crafted from bits of fabric and lace and/or paint, wires, wood, etc. The quilting thing : I admire people who have patience to follow patterns to the T of precise measurements. I CAN NOT do that!! I call myself ruler-retarded. No matter how careful I measure and cut, etc, just sewing that scant 1/4″ seam one thread off line can ruin a finished pattern. I was long ago just making my own thing . Then many years later the term ART QUILTS appeared. I said, THAT’S ME !! This allows artists to follow a color, pattern, picture or imagination to creative just freaking awesome art with fabric and threads and shiny bits if wanted. About ten years ago, maybe a little longer, I decided to get back into knitting. I do not knit using the general acrylic yarns that are available at Joann’s or Michaels Craft stores. I buy from independant “makers”. Those who might raise their own sheep and/or alpacas and spin and dye their own yarn to sell, or those who buy the plain yarn and dye. This can be expensive to make even a hat or scarf ! LOL At an average price range of $22 – $34 per skein (!) , yes a sweater can sometimes cost a few $100s in yarn alone. The beauty though is the repetitive knitting , following a pattern, etc to create something for yourself or family or friends to wear. I so envy those people who can start and finish a sweater! I’ve tried, really I tried !! Many years ago after discovering You-Tube podcasts of knitting shows, oh lord, it was like crafter’s-crack!! I saw a pattern for what was called a Boxy Sweater. Just oversized, to hid the curves, ya know! Was simple enough. I went with the purchased pattern to the New England Fiber Festival to pick out my yarn . The vendor helped me and when I insisted on a thinner type of yarn called Fingering ( shut your mouth! lol ) she tried to talk me into buying a yarn a little thicker. It would be easier for a “new pattern” knitter to work with and the pattern would work up faster. But NO!! I had to have what I liked ! Ha Ha! That alone kicked my yearning to get to back to knitting. Well that boxy sweater was started, after over a week of working on it, I had to frog it. That is, rip that whole frigging thing back to the beginning and start again. Well, I did after a few days of deep breathing and a mantra of “I can do this. I got this .” Well a month later, FROG IT ONE MORE TIME !!! Yes I should’ve listened to that gentle yarn-vendor who was trying to tell me, “Honey, don’t be an idiot ! ” lol

I love making simple scarves and shawls and hats, many with scenes like mountains or trees or bears or hearts . I have made numerous projects as gifts for friends near and far, as in Alaska and Western Canada! I have a few for myself and have taken a scarf or cowl off my body to give to someone who has just loved the colors etc. My favorite knit projects are blankets or throws, smaller blankets. Even just a blanket done in simple knit stitching is not only beautiful and simple to do, but relaxing. Aside from maybe switching colors or doing a cable pattern ( not me!! ), I can knit out in public without even looking down at what I am doing. Knitting is a very relaxing hobby that can soothe your soul while sitting on a porch or comfy chair inside by the window, even with a tv on or music. One project that sits in a large canvas tote is a blanket for me ! That is made with acrylic yarn, but I am knitting with two yarns at the same time to make a heavier blanket for cold New England days. Each yarn is varigated, meaning each had multiple colors that blend with each other, so each section is completely different. At $6+ a skein, means each section is $12-13 worth of yarn, I am now in approximately $64 and not yet halfway done. It is something I just pull out a few times a months. Oh, and I also do cross-stitch ! As someone who has PTSD and bouts of anxiety, I have a hard time just allowing myself to sit still and take time to myself to relax. Nevermind it keeps my hands busy and distracts me from wanting to hurt someone …….. uh, I do have roomies in my house! That should be self-explanatory!! And again, that too will be another blog . I should say, MANY MANY MANY blogs !!!

So for now , REST IN PEACE, BOXY SWEATER !

~~ MY RETURN ~~

I’m Baaaack

January 13, 2023 ~~ Yeah, well Friday the 13th was NOT the day I expected to finally get back to WordPress, to get back to blogging, venting, trying to survive life. As a writer, yep. Have always considered myself a writer since I was about 8 or so. A few years ago when I discovered WP I thought this would be my salvation to write, throw out ideas and vent, etc. Because life is not all about joy, especially when you have so many people in your life that just suck the soul out of you ! Do you ever feel like you’re on the outside looking in at people who can relax and enjoy life and their friends and family? And here you are just battling every goddamn day to have a bit of peace of quiet and that thing called normalcy??

The main reason I have finally come back here — I am in the process of starting a You Tube channel. Actually kicking myself for not having done that two years ago ! In order to even have the ability to become monetized over there, 1,000 followers is a requirement. Possibly could’ve had that by now . LOL. But these people, the leeches……. in my life, in my house . I am hanging on by a thread at this point.

I’ve long had people tell me I need to write a book about my life . The experiences, good and BAD! I’ve long been …….. desperate to write, stories . I guess it can be said of writers that we have a Soul that longs to be heard. Whether thru characters of fiction or releasing the demons we keep inside .

Just before the plandemic, yep, let’s just call it that — I changed up my lifestyle a little, and the gates opened and the creativity poured out. (This will be another post soon ). But again, the soul suckers interrupted me over and over .

So back to my return, I figured before I start my You Tube channel , I would need to make tons of notes , and along with that to keep on track of a subject, write notes etc. So figured, make a 1000% effort to WRITE ! Then use each blog post as the subject . Killing two birds with one whack ?? ūüôā I am aiming to blog everyday, but we all know how plans go. So let’s say 2-3 times a week . Along with the house chores, etc. I come back to WP not only forgetting what tabs and buttons to use to even do one blog, now there have been so many changes, I have to make time to learn everything all over again. It is frustrating when you just want to talk or write .

……….. I have tales to tell, MANY tales to tell .

Lost Time

8/12/19 ‚Ķ..yes once again,¬† not enough time in the day to get most of everything done…‚Ķ‚Ķ¬† I keep promising myself to write here every day,¬† and once again ‚Ķ‚Ķ.¬† I’ve had friends, personal and across the country who have said I should tell their stories sometimes ‚Ķ‚Ķ so that’s what will happen from now on ‚Ķ.. either in their own words or as told to me from a wide variety of experiences in their lives…‚Ķ‚Ķ always push forward!

alarm alarm clock analog analogue
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Lost Time …..

Finally came back here after …… a full year ??!! ¬† As the old saying goes, Shit Happens, ¬†and when it does, it hits big. ¬† Find out my renewal evidently didnt go thru — because, ¬†as one of those shit topics was, ¬†the account I used for this was hijacked, so debit card changed. ¬† and being laid up after being away so long, wasnt checking the right email, etc. ¬† ¬†
In the “way back” when Trump tossed his hat into the POTUS arena, ¬†being former gov’t employee, I was contacted to do some work on the side with background checks, etc with the public. ¬†(enuf said on that!) . ¬† When he won the nomination and Dems & Liberals lost their shit, ¬†spurred on by payouts from Soros, ¬†along with other paid movements, I was invited to continue other work . ¬† So sure, ¬†easy enough for the $$, and I am good at what I do, ended up on the road and put writing and artwork on the side. ¬†But hey, ¬†can now buy another piece of property. ¬†
¬†I met Trump many years ago through a friend who knew one of his sons. ¬† Really liked him back then too. ¬† Probably the nicest wealthy person I have known, ¬†who truly does more for normal people down on their luck than the public will ever know!! ¬† ¬†Despite what msm puts out and feeds the sheeple public, he is one smart cookie! ¬† ¬†He honestly chose to run to help America. ¬†And not being a puppet for secret organizations who have run the country for…… ever, ¬†he was is not obligated to anyone. ¬† He calls it like he sees it, and should be obvious by now, ¬†will not hold back his opinion. ¬† Sure it blows the dirty, paid media and other politicians outta their sox, but it is refreshing to those who fought the battle to get him elected and proudly call themselves Patriots……. but that’s another blog! ¬†ūüôā ¬† ¬†
As I was gearing up , or rather down, to get back to my life, and home front and dogs, etc, ¬†an incident happened where I was quite literally blindsided and attacked by said crazed Liberal who overheard a private conversation between 2 people in public. THAT’S what they do, then loose their shit when others say being a liberal is the new mental illness, gee, I don’t know why, lol. ¬†I was actually a day or two from heading home and made the mistake of letting my guard down and didn’t have time to defend myself…….. hospital, surgery, ¬†long recovery time. ¬†Then finally back home for more recovery but thrilled to be with my 4 footers, and the awesome housemate who tends to everything from maintenance to animals, etc while doing his job from home. ¬†So, as I try to pace myself to get back to writing on projects (it was impossible while being medicated for a while) , planning a few new litters of puppies that have been long awaited, etc. I will try my best to tell the tales of intrigue…….. be safe out there.¬†
 

 

Curse of the Red Pen

Blog first story
I remember waayyyyyyy back in the “olden days !”, ¬†I was about 10. ¬†One of my classes — did we have an English class at that age ?? ¬† Whichever it was, ¬†one assignment was to write a short story, ¬†X amount of pages, etc. ¬† ¬†So sitting in bed one night, for privacy in a room shared with my sister four years older, ¬†I got comfy with my pillows behind me and one as my desk with my spiral notebook. ¬†We had a week to get the project done. ¬†So I sat there till I got sleepy and just scribbled different things I could write about. ¬† I remember it took a few days before an idea hit me. ¬† Well I loved horses, as I kinda knew them a bit ,¬† with a neighbor having a pinto and buckskin on their property.¬† So there would be a horse.¬† ¬†I made the main character a young boy, of course thinking everyone would think I was pretending it was me.¬† Oh,¬† how we would stress about the littlest things even in English class !¬† ¬†For some reason this main character,¬† a young boy, not me! ,¬† was living in the woods by himself and one night while sitting by a fire alone and cooking hotdogs on a stick, ¬†he becomes frightened by some odd noises in woods in the dark. ¬†Oooooo spooky! ¬† ¬†The horse eventually comes out to meet him, ¬†also alone, and becomes his friend. ¬†I can’t remember all the details now, but the story just flowed from my head through my pen! ¬† ¬†I discovered the ¬†JOY of writing and creating!!! ¬† ¬†I was so proud of that story and that it had an ending!
¬† I don’t know why, ¬†but I asked my sister to read it to see if it was “ok” to turn in. ¬†Well, he loved it and said it was great! ¬† ¬†I was so excited and nervous and a few days later turned it in for grading.¬† ¬†Later in the week, the teacher walks up and down between the desks returning everyone’s papers. ¬† I picked up mine and see the grade of a B+. ¬†Well, what the hell is this?? ¬† ¬† I really expected an A- at least!! ¬† Then I see several words through the pages circled in red pen and comments. ¬†They were all about not using a proper “preposition” or some shit! ¬†And in a few spots, ¬†she felt I should’ve used semicolons ( ; ) instead of commas ( , ). ¬†Well you bitch!!! ¬† ¬†That comment on the front page of “Good story idea!” didn’t mean shit to me once I saw the circled words and comments. ¬†A red pen can crush hopes and dreams. ¬†I still remember that feeling forty-plus years later. ¬† lol.¬† ¬†Yet that is what all creative people fear,¬† the “red pen” — whether written or spoken opinion of even one person to make you feel you’re not good enough ………¬† ¬† ¬†¬†
When I used to always write a rough draft in notebooks, ¬†when re-reading I would still make notes of what to add or drop or change in red so I wouldn’t forget. ¬†Even now over the years, I usually now work more on the laptop, while it’s easier to go back while reading to add in something or remove. ¬†But printing the pages out are usually easier — and then there comes that damn red pen again! ¬† ¬† As writers and artists in different mediums, we do what we love. ¬†For me, I want people to enjoy whatever I do, yet there is always that fear of a “red pen” correction, or rejection because it isn’t one person’s cup of tea. ¬† ¬†And in reality, all artists of whatever their chosen field, ¬†are creating because it makes their hearts sing and souls soar ! ¬†ūüôā¬†¬†¬†

ARIZONA, MY FAVORITE HOME

                                            Night Sky, Milky Way, Stars, Cosmos
Well quite possibly my favorite place. ¬†My perm home base. ¬†I’m lucky to have a few weeks here in one stretch before back on the road for business. ¬†Or off to dog related activities. ¬† I vowed to write everyday on this blog and between trying to plan and explain what I wanted where in the gardens, finalize plans to fly out early this morning, ¬†AND laptop crashing yesterday ……. well sometimes life just happens, in more ways than one! ¬† ¬†
Just goes to show, plans are not set in stone and you just have to go with the flow, like water over stones in a stream. ¬†Letting your “stones” / problems build up just overflow in your life till you feel like you’re drowning.
Now waiting for flight to be called and heading north to Canada. ¬†A country unlike no other! ¬† ūüôā ¬†

 

 

 

Creating for My Soul

                                       This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is americana-1.jpg         

¬† ¬†I’ve always loved quilts my whole life. ¬† In grade school I taught myself how to make cross-stitch and embroidery needlepoint patterns. ¬†I never attempted a quilt until just after high school. ¬†So I bought three different fabrics in white & navy blue print. ¬†Proceeded to measure and cut into 3 x 3 inch squares and sewed together into a top about 3 x 4 feet. ¬† This of course was having no clue what I was doing. ¬†There wasn’t INTERNET back then! ¬†*GASP* !! ¬† So I made the same pattern for the back, ¬†sewed 3 sides together, turned it inside out and then stuffed it lightly with batting ~~ the kind used for dolls, etc. ¬†I didnt know there were rolls of sheets of thin batting made for quilting! ¬†Cuz you need to be able to sew and pull the thread thru both pieces of fabric and thru the batting. ¬†I patted it as smooth as I could and sewed up the end. ¬†Then used a long thick needle to sew doubled thread, thru each corner where all the squares met. ¬†Then it was called done. ¬† I proudly gave it to my dogs to lay on. ¬†And yes, with the bodies taking turns laying on all the time, ¬†their weight flattened the polyester down a bit.¬† Now more than 30 years and at about 15 dogs later,,¬† ¬†I still have that quilt now in one of the dogs’ favorite lounging crates!¬†
It wasn’t for a few years before I started buying magazines etc to learn more. ¬†I tried a few times, but I am what I call “ruler retarded”. ¬† When making traditional quilts with patterns, ¬†all pieces must be measured and cut just so !! ¬† even an eighth of an inch off one piece can throw a pattern off a little. ¬† So I used to just cut and sew by eye, and loved to sew beads and buttons on, etc. ¬† ¬†Years later a craze came out called ART QUILTS. ¬†Well, lookit this! ¬† This is what I had been doing on my own!!! ¬† ¬†With art quilts, you can make them very small or large enough to cover a big wall. ¬† There are no rules ~~ you make it by personal preference with colors, beads, buttons, fancy threads, lace etc. ¬†
The photo above, I named AMERICANA. ¬† It was the first ever art quilt I did, during a period when I was in a bad marriage. ¬†I would take my fabric, thread and doo-dads out back to sit in the shade with my dogs and work; ¬†my getting away from shit and spending quiet time with my Goldens. ¬†AMERICANA is about 7 x 10 inches. ¬† ¬† Heart and star buttons adorn the sides and the red stripes are thousands of red seed beads hand sewn on three at a time.¬† (What I don’t like about one method I used was attempting to use my sewing machine to embroider the wording,¬† if done by hand I think I would’ve liked it better.¬† But any craft is live and learn! ) There are also those tiny beads within the heart shape. The back fabric is that tan trim fabric around the edges with red and blue stars. ¬† ¬† I was very proud of that little wall quilt. ¬† I’ve had people over the years offer to buy it, ¬†but it meant more to me than $$$.¬† I just happened to pick that fabric in a store because it appealed to me as a theme. ¬†After all these years, it stands for my many memories, good and bad, ¬†of four years in an abusive marriage.
¬†Discovering my love for the comforting process of handwork in art quilts, has saved my soul at times. ¬† This little flag that just happened to be born in a time of physical and emotional pain, became my symbol of¬† personal freedom. ¬†May we all find our own “flags of hope or survival” in our journey……….¬†
written and shared by friend, LRW